Family Relationships

On a recent weekend outing with friends, a discussion ensued around relationships with adult siblings.  One individual had recently lost his father and younger sibling within weeks of one another.  The father and younger son had a relationship in which they met weekly for dinner.  The friend was lamenting his relationship, or lack thereof, with his only remaining older sibling. 

I shared with this friend the observations and interactions of my own older sibling.  Oftentimes I felt disconnected and lack of participation/concern with welfare of our parents.  When in a crisis situation with my parents, they are only willing to ‘listen’ to the eldest child, even if no conversation actually takes place, just the threat of one.  Knowing the unspoken power my older sibling possessed, I would be subsequently taken aback amidst the parental tension upon the presence of my sibling.  I would realize that I was listening to familiar music – "The Dance of Anger" (by Harriet Lerner). 

Each child in a family is an individual, or spirit.  Each parent draws upon their personal memory tapes in relating to this spirit.  A situation with their child may ‘remind’ them of past historical data – either good or bad, and they react either appropriately or inappropriately.  My parents have shared glimpses into their childhood, but not necessarily the emotional impacts, which even they might not have scratched the surface.  I can only attempt to make sense of my experiences with my family. 

As in every family, there were some inappropriate reactions that left emotional wounds between my older sibling and my parents.  Over time the wounds healed, but the scars remained.  My father has admitted his wrongs to me for my sibling’s scars however I’m not the one that possesses the emotional reminder.

I encouraged my friend to be patient with his sibling and not to personalize any interaction, or lack thereof, as his sibling could be harboring some unresolved anger.  The next morning at breakfast the friend said he was glad we talked because he was able to remember some family incidents with his own brother, and he had more insight to not personalize his sibling’s interactions.  Sometimes we suppress the details of the past when we are indirectly involved.  Our relationships are easier if we put our egos aside and show kindness to one another.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” – Plato