Family Relationships

On a recent weekend outing with friends, a discussion ensued around relationships with adult siblings.  One individual had recently lost his father and younger sibling within weeks of one another.  The father and younger son had a relationship in which they met weekly for dinner.  The friend was lamenting his relationship, or lack thereof, with his only remaining older sibling. 

I shared with this friend the observations and interactions of my own older sibling.  Oftentimes I felt disconnected and lack of participation/concern with welfare of our parents.  When in a crisis situation with my parents, they are only willing to ‘listen’ to the eldest child, even if no conversation actually takes place, just the threat of one.  Knowing the unspoken power my older sibling possessed, I would be subsequently taken aback amidst the parental tension upon the presence of my sibling.  I would realize that I was listening to familiar music – "The Dance of Anger" (by Harriet Lerner). 

Each child in a family is an individual, or spirit.  Each parent draws upon their personal memory tapes in relating to this spirit.  A situation with their child may ‘remind’ them of past historical data – either good or bad, and they react either appropriately or inappropriately.  My parents have shared glimpses into their childhood, but not necessarily the emotional impacts, which even they might not have scratched the surface.  I can only attempt to make sense of my experiences with my family. 

As in every family, there were some inappropriate reactions that left emotional wounds between my older sibling and my parents.  Over time the wounds healed, but the scars remained.  My father has admitted his wrongs to me for my sibling’s scars however I’m not the one that possesses the emotional reminder.

I encouraged my friend to be patient with his sibling and not to personalize any interaction, or lack thereof, as his sibling could be harboring some unresolved anger.  The next morning at breakfast the friend said he was glad we talked because he was able to remember some family incidents with his own brother, and he had more insight to not personalize his sibling’s interactions.  Sometimes we suppress the details of the past when we are indirectly involved.  Our relationships are easier if we put our egos aside and show kindness to one another.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” – Plato

 

Lies and Deception

“O, what a tangled web we weave;

When first we practice to deceive!”   Sir Walter Scott

 

L – Libels                                            D – Dishonest

I – Inaccuracies                                 E – Embezzler

E – Erroneous                                    C - Charlatan

S – Sham                                             E –Ersatz

                                                             P – Pretender

                                                             T – Trickery

                                                             I – Impostor

                                                             O – Objection

                                                             N – Not real

Almost everyone has experienced being on the receiving end of lies and deception from a spouse/lover, parent, sibling, child, friend or co-worker.   

Lying is a natural part of human interaction.  Most misrepresentations are to protect our self-image to those around us, or social lies.  Then there are the white lies which are told to spare someone else’s feelings.  Lies wield the most power when the ‘storyteller’ begins to believe them.  By repeating the untruth over and over again, it may become easier to believe it to be the truth.  Thus, the birth of the sociopath.

Lies and deception build on one another and tend to create their own sense of reality.  Individuals who lie about their past, tell one little story that doesn’t seem “so bad.”  The next time, having told that story, it becomes part of their long-term memory, or false memory.  Over time, a truthful memory has been created by the fabricator. 

It’s not impossible or difficult to discern lying and deception from a person’s body language, reactions and speech patterns.  The following are clues to follow in conjunction with your instincts:

·         Speech rate and breathing pattern change

·         Avoids eye contact

·         Fidgets or keeps hand, arm and leg movement toward own body

·         Gestures/expressions don’t match verbal statement

·         Communicates using fewer personal pronouns

 



Beyond the breach of trust and integrity that lying and deception cause, there is the emotional hurt and anger.  Psychologist and author Shirley Glass wrote in her book Not “Just Friends”:

“Relationships are contingent on honesty and openness.  They are built and maintained through our faith that we can believe what we are being told.  However painful it is for a betrayed souse to discover a trail of sexual encounters or emotional attachments, the lying and deception are the most appalling violations.”

Relationships are built on trust, openness, mutual respect and personal freedom.  Real freedom comes when we choose how we will treat others – will we abide by the Golden Rule, or the Egotistical Rule.  Will we impart benevolence or indifference?  Will we be selfish or selfless?
Scriptures guide us that lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal faithfully are His delight.  (Proverbs 12:33).  Be kind to one another and have the highest regard for integrity.